Lately it has felt as if God is out to punish me and my family. It seems as if nothing in our life is going well. In the past year and half...
- We have struggled to make ends meet because of budget cuts at my husband's job and now utilize the local food pantry to supplement our meal budget (ironically the same pantry our church supports...should I just ask that they drop the food at our house when they bring it to church?);
- We are now only a three job household as opposed to a four job household (I suppose I should look at that in a positive light...after all who wants to work four jobs, right?);
- We've had to forget about international adoption and had to postpone domestic adoption because of the stressful situation our family life is in and budget cuts;
- We've lost two children in four months to miscarriage;
- And to top it all off, today I found out someone I trusted should not have had my trust and has done the same exact thing that others have been doing only this person did it behind our backs while claiming to care for us.
My question is, When will it end?
For months I was not taking communion at church or attending Bible Study and only went to church so that certain church members would not yell at me for not coming to church. It has been six months since I attended Bible Study on Sunday mornings. I still go to the small group study because my husband makes me. I take communion because church members were asking questions and it is just easier to go along with it all than to try and explain and then be criticized for it.
Don't get me wrong I still believe in God but I struggle to do even that! If he cares at all why is He allowing this to happen to us? People who know us and know all that has happened to us in the last two years have continually said how sorry they are for us and how they don't understand why this is happening but God must have a plan. Well, if He does I would sure like to be filled in on it because I am at my breaking point. I cry every day from heartache and this deep empty feeling inside. Why can't I have a normal dose of reality, caring and compassion from God and others?
I created a count-up widget that began counting from the day things started to all go wrong. Before that life was life, it had it's ups and downs but it wasn't this living hell it has become now. I wake up every morning dreading getting out of bed because I just don't know what will go wrong today. Something always goes wrong, there are daily little hurts and sharp weekly pains and a constant emptiness and hopelessness. Why should I bother getting out of bed to live life and worship a God that has left me and my family to suffer through it all?